Britney Spears considered parting with her bra. Corey Haim tried to peddle a tooth. But no star appears willing to give of himself more than Vincent Gallo. The indie film auteur apparently has offered to sell his sperm. For a Dr. Evil-esque $1 million.
"Price includes all costs related to attempt at an in vitro fertilization," the listing on the merchandise wing on Gallo's official Website says.
Fertilization by Gallo the old-fashioned way will run the buyer an additional $500,000, the site says, unless the star thinks said buyer is smoking hot in which case the additional fee is waived. (We paraphrase.)
Naming rights are not included in the purchase--i.e., any baby produced from Gallo sperm may not be called a Gallo, the site says.
An email and phone call to the acting, writing, directing multihyphenate were not returned. Unknown, then, is whether the site's serious, whether Gallo has had any takers, and how he's planning to ship the merchandise.
According to Gerry McKiernan, spokesman for the U.S. Postal Service, items such as sperm are indeed, as they say in the trade, "mailable."
"I would be very hesitant to say it happens all the time," McKiernan said Friday. "I would be very hesitant to say it doesn't happen."
In the supposedly anything-goes celebrity world, sperm sales are rare. Or at least they're not publicly advertised.
Judging by a post on his Website, Gallo began peddling collectibles--previously worn clothes, signed movie posters, semen--last month. The sperm is listed under "Miscellaneous."
The site vows that the sperm is "100 percent guaranteed" to be of the loins of Gallo, best known for his 1998 art-house hit, Buffalo '66, and that said owner-operator of loins is "drug, alcohol and disease free."
The buyer is informed that Gallo is 5-foot-11, an award-winning athlete and motorcyle racer, a dashing 43 (with "a distinctively full head of hair and...surprisingly few gray hairs"), with no family history of physical deformities. Or, as the site puts it: "No cripples."
Oh, and there's one other thing: An eight-inch-long penis. According to the site, Gallo has one.
"If you have seen Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the [baby's] genitals if it's a boy," the site says. "I don't know how a well-hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt."
If the buyer hasn't seen The Brown Bunny--it received an extremely limited release in 2003--it's now on DVD. Gallo's penis shares a scene with Chlo Sevigny at the end of the movie--the film's climax.
Following The Brown Bunny's disastrous premiere at the 2003 Cannes International Film Festival, critic Roger Ebert declared the movie "the worst...in the history of the festival." Gallo responded by cursing Ebert, and wishing prostate cancer on him. (Ebert was treated for a cancerous tumor of the saliva gland later that year. And a year after that, he awarded a three-star review to a recut Brown Bunny.)
In a 2004 interview with The Onion's A.V. Club, Gallo described his cruel remarks about Ebert as "partly humorous," and offered that he thought the reviewer was a "beautiful, interesting person."
Given that, perhaps the more incendiary sperm-sale copy on Gallo's site should not be taken at face value. Then again, humor does fail some when it comes to race and Nazis.
On the merchandise site, it's stated that Gallo "maintains the right to refuse the sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions."
"Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter and Lena Horne," the site says, "Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration."
But wait, there's more: The Gallo site offers a $50,000 sperm discount to anyone--well, any female--who can prove she's naturally fair-haired and blue-eyed, and/or related to "any of the German soldiers of the mid-century."
Gallo's reproductive offer, however, does not rule out Jewish buyers, and, in fact, encourages them. It's said that the actor would consider his potential offspring's Jewish heritage a bonus, as this would "guarantee [the child] a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival."
No word if the $1 million covers shipping and extremely cautious handling.
After reading this news article, Fred Ped founding member of the outlandish punk metal group the Peds said. "Hell, you can have mine for $10,000". "Free Shipping and no reserve".
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